It’s Going to Snow. The time to panic is NOW.

snowwork

So, if you live in my neck of the woods (Maryland) you’ll see a big giant bullseye on top of my house during the weather report today. Actually, I think they’ve changed the name. Instead of “Weather Report”, the TV stations are saying, “Catastrophic Deadly Blizzard Apocalypse Watch 2016” until at least Monday afternoon when something else more interesting will probably happen.

For those who live in places where it snows all the time, we look like complete freaks to the rest of you. We already know this, but continue panicking nonetheless. You have to admit, we might be stuck inside for A DAY AND A HALF, so this is pret-ty serious business.

By now, the news stations are jockeying for space on the most prime corners, so they can yell into the wind of the blizzard, “THINGS ARE GETTING PRETTY WHIPPED UP OUT HERE SUSAN. AS YOU CAN SEE, THE SNOW IS STARTING TO PILE UP AND AS SHOWN HERE BY IT COVERING MY BOOTS, THERE’S NO SIGN OF IT STOPPING. THESE CARS BEHIND ME, COMPRISED OF PEOPLE FORCED TO COME OUT FOR REASONS THAT ARE COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY, WILL REQUIRE RESCUE BY BRAVE FIRST RESPONDERS WHO HAVE MUCH MORE IMPORTANT WORK TO DO.”

milk

Back in the studio, Susan will cut him off and say they are heading to live feed from the grocery store, where Ted is standing by live, “Susan, you won’t believe the stockpiles I’m witnessing coming out of the store. I’m here with Bob and Linda, who are just exiting the store. They look tired and worn out from the frenzy going on just behind me. “It was crazy!”, Linda exclaims while Bob grins at the camera. “I was fighting this lady in aisle 3 for the last bag of tortilla chips. All I heard her say was something about my not having dip in my cart and that she deserved them. She ran off with a wild look in her eyes.” So, Susan, as you can see, things are heating up here at the local food store as the monster approaches us from the South and West.

snowsoupnazi

Kids everywhere however are rejoicing with the coming storm. While it’s not supposed to actually get here until tomorrow night, they are hoping schools will inevitably panic and close schools for no reason whatsoever. Sadness abounds though, as it would have been better to have the storm start on a Monday, allowing long term road panic to settle in, closing schools for extra, unnecessary days. They will take what they can get though.

blizzardbingo

So, for those of us trapped indoors during the impending White Death, here’s a fun game you can play while watching the live, 24 hour “Continuous Coverage” of every dangerous intersection in your county. Fill the card and enjoy a snack or tasty beverage of your choice and don’t forget to stay tuned. I hear after the break they are breaking live to the highway, where motorists who were warned to stay off the road are sliding all over the place. (Seriously people, STAY HOME unless it’s an emergency!) Live from Baltimore, this is Michele.

 

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